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Go here:
….for the masterlist of Pollinators and see if you can work out where everybody is writing today.
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How to Check Your Underpants Compulsively While Puking Your Guts Out….
Or, The Infertile’s Guide to Pregnancy
I am infertile. I am also pregnant. Not quite two months depending on who you ask- my OB says one thing, the U/S tech says another, and my gut –which has never been wrong – says something completely different. I feel fat, and hormonal, and I puke… oh good lord do I puke (and even if I don’t, I have this awful all-day-long constant nausea that makes you actually WANT to puke). Pregnancy is messy, and a lot of the time uncomfortable, but after trying sooooo damn hard- it’s hard to remember that it’s OK to NOT enjoy every moment. I hope at least some of you get a chuckle out of this.
And so- here it is… The Infertile’s Guide to Pregnancy
1. Compulsively continue to POAS weeks after your multiple Beta results have come back positive. Analyse each stick until you go completely cross eyed trying to decide if the line got darker or fainter than the last fifteen or so tests- freak out until your early ultrasound appt when you FINALLY get to see the little bean, peanut, tic tac… etc…etc…etc… Pretend to your friends who DON’T get an early U/S that it’s the cat’s ass and recommend they ALL get dildo cammed.
2. Develop an OCD complex involving your underpants and the checking of them for any and all bodily fluids. Have a mini-mental-breakdown at work because you’re not sure if you’re leaking amniotic fluid or just peed yourself, even though it’s still too early in your pregnancy to even HAVE amniotic fluid. Double your points if you actually find spotting, or red lint that you THINK, even momentarily, is spotting. You will be dubbed champion of all things pregnancy if you can manage to do this WHILE puking your guts out. Of course, NEVER complaining of the morning sickness from hell- because, omg, how could anyone LOATHE throwing up every half hour when you’re FINALLY PREGNANT???!!!
3. Buy every pregnancy guide (the ones you don’t already have) and then shove ANY with the title beginning “What to Expect” up a fertile expecting woman’s arse.
4. Reach the milestone of 12 weeks and hesitantly inform friends and family of your pregnancy (if you haven’t already). Pretend like you don’t notice that all of them pretty much know already because you’re no longer walking like you rode a stallion for ten hours a day for the last [insert how long you’ve been TTC here] from either- riding your husband like a stallion for ten hours a day during ovulation, getting 3 cooter cams a week, having a catheter rammed through your cervix, or having other vicious poky instruments jammed in your lady bits.
5. Spend an exorbitant amount of money on maternity clothing because after fertility treatments you’re so bloated that you already look 6 months pregnant, and of course BEING pregnant, you look closer to 8 months… and you’re not even out of the first trimester yet. And just because you CAN DAMMIT!!
6. Once you reach the hallowed second trimester- try to relax and fail because your triple screen results came back with a one in 14 billion chance of having a trisomy disorder and because of [pick one of the following]: family history; advanced maternal age; your doctor’s daughter just turned 16 and totalled his jag; you agree to have amniocentisis which sucks donkey crack, but you will do almost anything at this point to have some reassurance that everything is ok- and what’s one more needle in your abdomen??
7. Continue throwing up throughout the entire second trimester and “smile” because “at least you know you’re still pregnant”. Har har har. Tell this to anyone who will listen- the more often you hear it, the more believable it sounds.
8. Reach the third trimester- start freaking out because you never actually thought you would get this far and you haven’t prepared ANYTHING!!! As of right now, if your baby came, he/she’d be sleeping in a drawer in your dresser and wearing your spanx padded with your significant other’s t-shirts for diapers because you haven’t even considered which crib you might consider putting your precious babe in- never MIND the argument for cloth vs. Disposables. Have a nervous breakdown trying to decide between Lamaze and Bradley method classes. Attend both because YOU are SUPERPREGGOWOMAN and going to do everything PERFECT!!!
9. Spend the last three weeks in a complete and utter panic because you have to plan, purchase, and execute “BABY ROOM OF THE CENTURY!!!!” Cry when you reach two weeks overdue and have to be induced- because for the love of all that’s holy- won’t this child just COME OUT ALREADY!!!???
10. Feel guilt for the rest of your natural life for ever wanting a child because you are certain that no matter what you do you are going to fuck them up royally anyhow. Forget college- start saving now for therapy.
The end
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