Bad Google!

Yes, I know that a page listing the inappropriate (and sometimes downright pornographic) search terms that lead the unwary to my infertile corner of the Internet may be counter productive.

I now regularly pick and list (at whimsical random) a selection of the sad, and stupid, terms that lead people here.

I’m sure that in short order Google will retaliate by simply sending me more irrelevant dross, but well I just can’t resist a good weird search. Even if “as$” does seem to feature a little too prominently. Enough for me to declare a moratorium on listing new as$ related searches if only because man I just cannot bring myself to retype some of the more specialist requests.

As$-related searchers of the internet, you have certainly given me an education. You’re a creative bunch.

I will periodically (when I run out of actual relevant IF related subject matter) handpick some favourites to address via Agony Aunt.

Enjoy.

Now with categories.

The plain weird:

• flapoplasty
• geriatric backboarding
• yes that is butt ointment
• how cats have interc.ourse diagram
• beautiful girl with huge t.its
• not that shit again
• suppository rec.tal movie
• lost scrotum photos
• catches a cold snot
• fucking worried im pregnant
• how i can remov my penis forskin?
• Can sweaty balls cause infertility?
• Butt cloaker.
• I stuck a hose up my va.gina and filled m…
• fancy dress fake pe.nis.
• broken capillaries cause screaming
• forearm p.enis
• are twin girl calves infertile
• 18+look(at)myass
• why to you exasperate all follicles duri
• posterior sweet fu.ck squits
• in personal social tits and asses
•  inserting stiletto heel into urethra
• shamelessly fantasy wind zip.
• Big naked nanna  thighs.
• penis pictures from november 1 2007
• sexually frustrated masturbate furiously
• is my pea green when i’m pregnant
• “mothers of multiples” bitch.
• Sparrow phlebotomist girl dies.
• Clag glue + fertility
• Total recall boob lady.
• can i fuck to pregnant time?
• teeny tiny burnt testicles.
• erect elephant penis.
• Indonesian women pissing.
• if my boobs were my brains.
• Physiology of a cockle.
• extreme nudity testicles clear plastic.
• Se.x with a rubber glove.
• Cursed with a big p@nis..
• I have infertility mucus in my underwear.
• obnoxiously cheerful bedding.
• can getting a gunshot in the butt make y…..
• When I eat, my stomach feels too full?
• Normal women pissing in the street.
• Irrational anger at other pregnant women.
• Impossible rhubard. 
• Brain + too much serum + infertility.
• Squrrels get sick, too.
• Rubber vaginas 
• Pee hole insertions 
• Your(e) just a fluke in the universe.
• Catch scabies from a rabbit. 
• Marshmallow in a coin slot. 
• DPO burning vagina. 
• Speculum fun. 
• Pregnancy diarrhea blog. 
• Shag your aunt. 
• Spotty pill head. 
• Shit creek.  
• In my 20’s and need a hobby. 
• Clear lumpy vagin@l goo. 
• 1234556 oh you no way! 
• Boils bum nose bacteria. 
• Crump and dump. 
• Dumb ass freak.
• Genitals pear shaped.
• Fu<k childbearing hips.
• Post your boobs. 
• Menstruation gore. 
• Bas ass trucks. 
• Teeth tattoo ration. 
• Stirrups Dr english me. 
• Conehead defect. 
• Menstrual cartoons.
• Boob meter.
• Oversexed fertility.
• Fuck, I’m pregnant.
• Shit creek paddle.
• Vaginal ultrasound shiny progesterone.
• Diagrams of foot in mouth.
• Oldies spread-eagled.
• Mission Impossible fat woman.

That’s just greedy. Really, it is:

• p.enis in the uterus pictures.

It’s actually quite simple, people. In her vag.ina will suffice:

• position to fu.ck an ovulating woman.
• how to fu.ck to make pregnant.
• pregnancy fu.ck position
• which hole shall penis can lead to pregnancy?
• pregnant am the a.ss to fuck

The as$, apparently it’s all about the as$. An as$ smorgasbord, if you will (Can no-one looking for porn spell A.R.S.E?):

• pencil up ar.se.
• Fatal as$.
• Dildocam blog ar$e. 
• Tattoo as$ 
• Slimy as$.
• Taking it up the as$.
• Stretch my as$.
• Pear shaped as$.
• As$.
• Trumpet up the as$.
• Foot up as$.
• Bottle in as$. 
• Wobbly as$.
• Ginormous as$.

Occasionally it is about other orifices, well *vaginas* anyway:

• (Pen!s dans le vag!na)
• safe to penetrate va.gina with bottle
• Vagin@l airlock .
• Shower head up vagin@. 
• Head in vagin@.
• Man head in vagin@.
• Vagin@l head.
• photos of vag.ina been shagged.

The it *could* be weird, but I’m magnanimously going for benefit of the doubt:

• bad days fuck for avoid pregnancy
• im pregnant with no sex drive.
• how to give your child suppository
• Do you poop during egg retrieval?
• why do people say roses smell like shit?
• difficulty of inserting progesterone pessary.
• You can’t cure stupid it.
• Pregnant supermodel.
• Wholly shit i’m having a baby.
• Not a suppository.
• Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.
• How far in to shove progesterone pessaries? 
• Pessary blog. 
• Transvaginal probe bigger than a speculum. 
• Lazy sperm. 
• Genomics + proteonomics + clone.
• Pregnant from toilet, impossible?
• What is it called when a zygote stays in? 
• +ve OPK 12 DPO.
• Gloves + inserted + my +pap. 
• Artblog + infertility. 
• Revenge of infertile. 
• Is the ovulation stick is dark pink. 
• Up a creek, without a paddle. 
• Dildocam. 
• Faking gastroenteritis. 
• Fake ovulation. 
• On my period. 
• Infertility adventure.
• Impossible pregnancy. 
• Diarrhoea and TWW. 
• Infertility defeated. 
• Genetic eye anomoly. 
• Stomach rumble miscarriage. 
• Is burping a symptom of pregnancy? 
• Womens talk about miscarriage inner mono. 
• Head cold fertility. 
• Mutton dressed as lamb. 
• Baby in waiting room.
• Ground level fall.
• I’m menstruating. 
• Look for fertility.

The ‘No, REALLY, you’re not. Not even a tiny bit. Just no. NO as in the opposite of YES.’:

• anyone negative beta but was pregnant
• negative beta and I am pregnant.
• negative beta and pregnant. 
• negative beta but pregnant. (by about fifty million hits a day with this wording).
• Pregnancy with a negative beta.
• i have 0% (non pregnant) of quantitative HCG.

The benign, or encouragingly, actually relevant:

• Vaginal suppository application diagram.
• Effect of dysentry on ivf conception
• One year old postpartum libido.
• Counting to ten in Indonesia.
• Infertile and whiny. 
• Being infertile sucks. 
• Synarel stored at > 25 degrees. 
• A list of what not to say to an infertile. 
• Does Clomid mess up my cycles? 
• PCOS Synarel. 
• IVF downregulation bleed. 
• WordPress infertile.
• Seen the heartbeat don’t feel pregnant. 
• Are two follicles enough before retrieval?
• BFN whiter. 
• IVF down regulation hasn’t worked.
• Mission impossible sign.
• Clomid and sore ovaries.
• Hot flush 12 DPO.
• Agony Aunt required/questions.
• Agony Aunt jokes.
• Down regulation scan delay and IVF.
• Infertility.
• Anencephaly.
• Constipated and bloated.
• Positive OPK and on the pill failure.
• CD 15 and still no ovulation. 
• “ward rounds”

The I think you should see a Dr *other* than Dr Google. Soon:

• varicosity on head of penis
• bleeding out my ass while im pregnant.
• veiny breasts sign of pregnancy or something.
• Gunshot wound to the penis.
• does a fate line mean im pregnant?
• dull back ache black tarry poo bloated.
• Super pubic aspiration method.
• Cold medicine give me an erection.
• Fungating breast cancer.
• Scrotal contusion.
• Pen!s swollen bee
• Anencephaly miracle healings. 
• Can Clomid make my foot like pins and needles? 
• “Incontinence emergency” symptoms. 
• Eyes rolling back in head.
• Can you do a thrombophilia screen?
• Bowel stuck to ovary.
• Hypertrophy fingers.
• A comprehensive list of how to know if I am pregnant.

Name (required)

Email (required)

Website

Text only. No markup allowed.