Despite all the angst and worry around these parts, not at all improved by yet another Nocturnal Contraction Bonanza of proportions that had me mentally envisioning my poor defenceless cervix being pulled into whimpering non-existence, I appear to be as inappropriate as ever.
Is it wrong that after so many cervical exams in such a short period of time that I think that I’m no longer going to be able to restrain the urge to cheerfully comment to my OB that ‘we really should stop meeting like this’ the next time I find myself in The Position?
Speaking of The Position, it really is a sweet touch on the part of my OB to delicately place a sheet over the external bits whilst hunting around Up There, but really. I mean, it’s not like we both don’t know exactly where the vanished hand is, although I must assume (given the aforementioned tactful sheet) that enthusiastic ventriloquist dummy pantomime on my part would not be appreciated.
Or is it more wrong that I’m frighteningly likely to cheerfully divest myself of all and sundry garments from the waist down upon arriving for my next appointment without waiting for anything in the way of verbal instruction to do so?
23 weeks today.
April 27, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I think you should do the line *and* the ventriloquist act. My only dilemma is which first? Maybe start with the line, ease the poor doc in. In to the comedy act, not… never mind.
It’s not wrong. They say sometimes you have to laugh or you’ll cry. That’s bullshit. You don’t *have* to laugh. You don’t *have* to anything. But if you do laugh? Well, a little inappropriate humour at one’s own expense never hurt a thing.
Bea
April 27, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Here’s the odd thing. For all that we are completely comfortable with shedding all claims to modesty after just (hopefully) a double digit number of visits (I really hope I’m not in the hundreds already), the nurses and doctors at these places seem to be incredibly uncomfortable when you toss aside the ‘modesty napkin’ (I would never buy sheets made out of paper) or strip before they leave the room. Any guesses on what’s going on in their heads?
April 27, 2008 at 11:07 pm
It’s not wrong, it’s a very good coping mechanism. And, I’d say it’s a lot better than some of the alternatives. I would actually love to see the puppet show! I think I felt my baby move yesterday right after I let out a huge laugh. Maybe your cynical sense of humor will help the baby stay put??
April 27, 2008 at 11:35 pm
F*cking ventriloquist pantomine. HILARIOUS.
23 weeks ….. fantastic.
xoxox
April 28, 2008 at 12:26 am
I always wear funny socks when I go. Frogs, goldfish, something like that. It is the only thing I get to keep on, so why not?
I think you ought to do a ventriloquist act. It would make a great blog story.
April 28, 2008 at 1:18 am
You gotta do the ventriliquist thing–that would be priceless. If you figure out how to do it, publish a script. I believe the venerable Joni Mitchell once wrote “laughin and crying, ya know its the same release.”
When I had my first ovarian cyst, I was good and doped up on morphene, and the very uncomfortable, nto to mention ham fisted, ER doc stated that he was going to give me a pelvic exam. My response “Have a party.” My husband, who was quite worried, could hardly keep a straight face.
April 28, 2008 at 1:23 am
Maybe you could put a flower down there and do the line. And definitely the pre-request striptease.
One more week to go!!
April 28, 2008 at 2:04 am
Just to show how immature and inappropriate I am, I can’t stop snickering about Rachel’s “double digits.”
Hahahahahahahaha!
April 28, 2008 at 4:30 am
The husband and I asked this very question at retrieval today – really, why do they bother with the sheet? It’s pretend-privacy, cuz we all know what’s going on down there.
April 28, 2008 at 5:34 am
Would you consider taking a camera to the dr. appointment? I would LOVE to see the dr’s face when you do the ventriloquist routine! Hee hee…you would be the talk of the office for a nice long while!
It isn’t wrong to think this way…it’s human. Congrats on 23 weeks. Here is to 17 more!
April 28, 2008 at 6:16 am
I must insist that you do the ventriloquist act on your next visit. I simply must.
April 28, 2008 at 6:49 am
Rather than strip down without being asked to, perhaps you could just invest in some crotch-less panties to wear to your visits with the OB.
April 28, 2008 at 6:52 am
Gee and I thought I was the only one who is capable of stripping upon immediately entering the exam room. What does doc do when you start laughing out loud cuz of the show going on in your head? LOL
April 28, 2008 at 9:11 am
Hee hee hee hee. Congrats on reaching the 23 week mark, sorry to hear that the unmentionable organ is still acting like her bitchy self. Hope she calms down soon.
April 28, 2008 at 9:23 am
Happy 23 weeks!
April 28, 2008 at 11:59 am
ventriloquist pantomime! that is superb. happy 23 wks
April 28, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Thanks for the password. I hope your cervix stays strong and doesn’t get any shorter. I’m sending all my best to you; you certainly deserve an easier time of this! What a colorful and humorous way you have of writing about cervical exams–I can’t say anything other than they hurt like hell!
April 28, 2008 at 6:51 pm
HAHAHAHAHA brilliant.
Me, I like the sheet. I can vaguely disguise the fact I haven’t been containing the fun-fur to the inside of the knicker-line (because I am SO lazy).
April 29, 2008 at 3:09 am
Hang in there, little guys! 23 weeks AND COUNTING!
Rachel has a good point . . . why do we maintain the ‘polite fiction’ of modesty? Why do doctors?
April 29, 2008 at 10:43 am
Yay for 23 weeks!
April 29, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Wait….they actually TELL you to take your clothes off? Like every time???? You don’t just strip down wilst pulling into the parking lot in anticipation and walk in half naked? Huh
Ventrilaquest visions were rather creative. AND appropriate.
April 30, 2008 at 6:57 am
Try to remember to wait until you’re inside the exam room before losing the pants. And this only applies at the OB and RE– try not to get mixed up and drop your pants at the dentist’s office. That might be embarassing.
April 30, 2008 at 8:51 am
Ah…lots of pants dropping! Hope the cervix behaves itself, and HURRAH! for 23 weeks.
Take care of yourself!
juli