Recently I learned just how awkward friends with big gossipy mouths for good news, but who turn surprisingly silent about spreading decidedly bad news can make one’s social occasion rather, well, uncomfortable.
Let me set the scene. Birthday party of good friend. Lots of guests, many of whom I at least know on a first name basis and have met a few scattered times over the years. None (excepting the birthday-ee, or so I thought) aware of Pregnancy Number 1 and PBWCLEW. Insert obligatory general -and-or-vague chit-chat about nothing of import with people I remember very little about, but who apparently have heard things about ME, and let simmer……
Me (who unashamedly sucks ass when it comes to making small talk):‘So, how are you doing, long time no see, how’s (oh-fuckity-fuck-what’s-his-name-again) your other half doing? How is your (crap, what DOES she do for a living again) job (shite, hope she’s employed) going?….etc etc.’
Other woman: ‘Good, good. And you? How is Mr Geohde doing? (Shit, how did SHE remember?) Congrats on your good news by the way, how far along are you? I remember hearing when you were pregnant ages ago!’
Me: (Fuck. Glossing right over THAT) ‘I’m 18 weeks now.’
Other woman: (Clearly not picking up my subtle cue) ‘And is that your little girl over there?’.
Me: (Nervous laugh, going for bold-faced denial) ‘Nope, not mine! These will be my first’.
Indicating that I was going to grab something to eat, I made the obligatory ‘Nice to see you again’ and left her to presumably scurry off to the host to get the year-old gossip behind my back.
I’m not really sure how else I could have handled that, even in retrospect. Not without about fifty ears all pricking up to listen in.
March 27, 2008 at 5:16 pm
This is why I have been so afraid of telling. It still scares me a little.
Bea
March 27, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Oh Lor’. The social horror. The horror.
It’s all very well thinking out rules as to how YOU can deal with these situations, but it’s not as if Mr and Mrs Cheerfully Clueless will have read them too. People will not be put off. People want to know. Gah. I was sent away from my terminally nosy family to boarding school, to be brought up in a very old-fashioned posh British way, where displaying curiosity about any, ANY, anomalies or discrepancies in a person’s life or conversation was considered the height of rudeness. They may have Things Of Which They Preferred Not To Speak. Therefore one must take everything at face value and NOT Press For More. I thought it was stuffy then; oh, but I love the kindly wisdom of it now.
I think you handled it very well indeed. It’s not your job to display your battered heart for the prurient amusement of nosy acquaintances.
As for people finding out from other people and getting back to you about it, a ‘friend’ of mine found out I was having surgery AFTER I had it (not nearly a comparable situation, I know, but bear with me), and was all wounded and ‘why didn’t you TELL me!’. My answer, of which I am extremely proud, ‘because it upset me to discuss it, and I didn’t think you of all people wanted to cause me more pain.’
March 27, 2008 at 10:43 pm
I’m with May. I love the response about the surgery!!! Of course that wouldn’t work with non-friends. But in the case of the “acquaintance”, I think you handled it wonderfully!
March 27, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Yeah, I think that was perfect. You are under no obligation to reveal the details of your past. You made it clear these babies will be your first. How much more obvious does it need to be? Are they daft?!
March 27, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Ouch, I’m sorry. Those questions suck!
March 27, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Bleah. I feel for you. I can’t imagine anyone handling it with more grace, even if she was the Queen of Social Interaction.
March 27, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I think YOU handled it perfectly, and that SHE will feel like a complete ass (though she couldn’t have known…)
Sorry you had to endure that at all.
March 27, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Me when asked if this is my second pregnancy? I tell them it’s my sixth.
I take great glee in watching people squirm because I’m a heartless bitch.
(OK, I’ll admit that I’m actually very kind and use that time to provide a little education about miscarriages and IVF…and gleen some blog fodder.)
March 28, 2008 at 12:10 am
Well done my friend!
March 28, 2008 at 12:19 am
I think you responded as well as you could have considering the situation. Some people just don’t get it and lack all sensitivity whatsoever.
Thanks for your helpful comments about my met and pcos. I really appreciate it. It helps remind me that I’m not crazy to think I should be getting something more by now.
March 28, 2008 at 12:40 am
I think you handled it perfectly.
Plus, I hate small talk. It makes me want to stick a fork into my eyeball just to get out of the conversation.
March 28, 2008 at 12:47 am
I think you handled it in the right manner because you’re right you would have been talking to the entire party or the few you talked to would have been telling everyone else later anyway.
March 28, 2008 at 1:10 am
Bitch of a story, I had it when people can remember names, I suck at it, and hate the whole small talk concept.
You handled it well.
March 28, 2008 at 1:19 am
I think you were great! Wish you had said the running commentary in your head out loud though. It would’ve added a certaine je ne sais quoi to the moment.
March 28, 2008 at 3:31 am
A Good memory can be a curse. Sorry you had to deal with that. oy
March 28, 2008 at 6:28 am
You have much more social grace than I do. I still look like a deer in headlights when somebody who didn’t know about Zach talks about pregnancy with me (and most people don’t know about the current pregnancy, either). I have seen how some of the people I peripherally work with talk about pregnancies (lots of joking, kidding, etc.) and I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle that. I’ve asked a few friends if, when the times comes to tell, they can subtly activate the ol’ rumor mill so I won’t actually have to tell these people myself.
Actually, I’m looking forward to when people ask, “Is this your first child?” I will gleefully say, “No, second–my first died at five months” and see how uncomfortable that makes them. (Actually, I hope I have the balls to say that.)
I’m grateful that the news of our loss spread far and wide among our friends’ friends. I’ve only had an ignorant comment from one random person at work.
March 28, 2008 at 10:30 am
OOOHH.. that stinks! I hate people in my business!
March 28, 2008 at 10:50 am
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: people are the worst.
March 28, 2008 at 10:40 pm
People’s unwillingness to talk about anything other than the pleasant is phenomenally annoying.
March 28, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Kudos to you! I couldn’t have done it better myself. Chit-chat really gets to me these days.
March 28, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I think you handled it exceptionally well… I probably would’ve got all stand-offish.
March 29, 2008 at 12:47 am
I also agree that you handled it well. You are not close with this woman, even if she does know Mr. G’s name, and don’t owe her any explanation. She’ll either get it from someone else or not at all.
I ran into a friend of a friend the other day who seems surprised at my burgeoning belly. “Pregnant? Again? Already!? You guys are really banging ‘em out, arent you?”
I just let her think I was a baby-making factory. It’s a nice illusion.
March 29, 2008 at 2:20 am
I just tell (almost) everyone the truth. Do I have any kids? Will this be my first?
“We had a son several years ago, but he died shortly after birth.”
If it makes them uncomfortable – maybe they won’t ask next time.
March 29, 2008 at 4:47 am
You handled that perfectly. Nicely done!
But sorry that you found yourself in that situation….
XOXO
March 29, 2008 at 9:57 am
I’m a dreadful bitch, I’m afraid, and enjoy letting nosy people have it. I’m sure that doesn’t pass the Miss Manners test, but I like to think the rude folks will learn their lesson. Of course, you are so much more polite…I don’t think you could have handled it any differently without being a rude cow like me, or entertaining an entire room with the soap opera that is your reproductive history…
March 29, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Oh, how awkward and uncomfortable!
(I just had a blog move and name change, sorry if it causes confusion – S.a.raS-P)