The ideal penis.

Oh g-d how Google shall punish me for this.

Before I get much further, let me explain the rather titillating choice of title. Actually, let me hurriedly profess that I am NOT about to express and, um, firm opinions about the above title.

I simply have a story from the files of med-school-is-weird, please believe me when I say that I truly do spend my days doing rather strange things.

With pictures.

I have photographic evidence of how it is that I actually learn how to poke fingers up bottoms, take blood, shove in urinary catheters and perforate various bodily orifices when short of actual human volunteers (as is so often the case).

Bet you didn’t know that there’s a whole industry out there busily producing real life prosthetic bums, complete with interchangeable prostate glands (for our guessing pleasure), did you?

Well, just behold one of my colleagues seamlessly demonstrating her eerie ability to differentiate ‘benign hypertrophy’ from ‘cancer’ with a nary but a skilled twist of her index finger.

Gloves? A mere technicality. I’m quite sure that she wouldn’t omit that step on a Real Patient. Probably. Not more than once, at any rate.

In case you’re a little confused as to which way Mr Fake A.nus’s legs would point, if he had any (of course), it’s to the right of the picture. Unfortunately Mr A.nus’s cute little plastic scrotum is obscured by forearm.

Now, may I present to you the titular subject? Without further ado, Mr Ideal P.enis……

Mr Ideal P.enis earned this rather enviable sounding moniker recently.

You see, unlike Mr Fake A.nus, Mr Ideal P.enis has another job to do. His role in our education is different. He patiently allows us to inexpertly shove tubes up his delicate urethra as many times as we like. Believe me, that’s a very generous gesture.

He does it with nary a scream, moan or inadvertent embarrassing erection. Entirely unlike the Real Thing, believe me.

As a colleague who-shall-not-be-named immortally pronounced, upon deftly catheterising him for the fifth time, ‘Now THIS is what I call the ideal p.enis….’.

I took a picture for her to present to future suitors.

Gentlemen, take note. Don’t all line up at once.